Sunday, August 19, 2012

Weeping, Smiling, Fear, Flood Gates, Breathless...

After the great day we had with Sadie, I crashed because I had actually taken too much Klonopin in the morning so I was toast.  The end of the school ceremony (not her graduation) was outside and the sun was beating down on us so after a light lunch, I slept for several hours.

Nathan and I were in bed.  He watching a movie on his iPad and I reading a book, a real one, not a digital one.  I still have a few left laying around.  But I kept interrupting him with dumb questions like did he feed the dog or did Courtney know the new morning routine since she hadn't slept over in a long time and we had to leave early for my PET scan.  Oh, right.  The PET scan.

The PET scan.  The six month follow-up to see if there was any active cancer in my body, not including brain.  This was supposed to have happened in May but we all know what became a priority that month.  Regardless, I began to breakdown.  Tears, weeping, sobbing again.  Why did it feel so foreign to cry?

My Puerto Rican side of the family cries for everything.  We're expert criers.  We cry when we're happy, sad, overwhelmed, in awe, in fear, overjoyed, mournful, feeling blessed....you get the idea.  We be criers!  But in this last year and a half, I've noticed that I don't really, truly cry.  I do have bouts of tears welling up, especially when someone is showing us a special kindness but alone, in my private space, even with my therapist, I don't go there.  If I do, I seem to "get it together" quickly and even apologize for it.


I wrote the above in early June.  Obviously a lot has happened in the last 8 weeks but I thought I better post something because I was getting a lot of flack from everyone.  I'll write a true update tomorrow.

Spoiler alert- we're all fine!

21 comments:

  1. Horray! So, so happy to hear that you are ALL fine. You sound upbeat and I'm thrilled to hear that you still have your sense of humor. Think of your beautiful family and have you all in our prayers. Here's hoping you had some smiles this Summer. Can't believe it's August!

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  2. Elisa- so happy to hear from you. Hope you and the family are enjoying the summer. Thinking about you and sending good vibes all the time. Xoxox

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  3. I've been wondering how you were, Elisa, and Nathan too. It's really good to see an update from you. I would occasionally come back to this blog hoping to see some good news, so your spoiler sounds promising. ;)

    About the crying - it could be all of the emotional stress you've been under, but Klonopin sort of blunts your emotions. I take it for anxiety and I don't know what dose you're on, but I find it makes me feel a little emotionally numb. That's not always a bad thing!

    You will be in my prayers and I'm looking forward to tomorrow's update!

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  4. Great spoiler!! So glad you guys are all fine. And looking forward to the update. You guys have been on my mind (yes, we're total strangers, but I feel like I know you from your posts and I've SO been pulling for you guys) so really happy to hear this.

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  5. Best spoiler alert I've ever seen!!

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  6. Aww! That is the best spoiler I have read in years!!!!!! God bless you. So you are part Puerto Rican!!! My husband is 100% Puerto Rican and they are they opposite, they rarely cry, they just get loud and pissed! lol!!! Love you guys and glad all is going well!!! :)

    God bless you all!!!!

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  7. So glad you added the spoiler alert. When I don't hear from you in forever, I figure you are not doing well instead of that you are doing so well you are busy with living life.

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  8. LOVE the spoiler alert!!!! I check on your blogspot and FB page often and pray for your health and happiness!! Good news for me as well; last week I got the word that I am in remission ~ NED! CANCER sucks! LIFE is GREAT! Much love and prayers to you and your beautiful family!
    Lisa

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  9. I think about you often and... what an awesome update!

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  10. So happy to hear all is well! I've been following your story- you are a true inspiration to me. I was diagnosed in April 2009 with stage 4 bc, with mets to my liver. I am NED for 3 years and they say my last PET scan is this Tuesday- they say I don't even need any more(if no other symptoms). A much different story than what they originally told me! We were diagnosed at the right time, with miracle medications.

    I still get very emotional the week before a PET scan for some reason... I guess because I've learned how quickly life can change. Keep up the great writing and positive attitude! ps. your daughter is darling!

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  11. Hi Elisa,
    I'm so happy that you threw in that spoiler alert! I check everyday to see if there has been a new post. So happy for you. Love to you and your adorable family.
    Lisa

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  12. i check your blog at least 3 times a week for an update, and when there isn't one, i worry.
    thank you so much for the "spoiler"....now i can look forward to the next entry!
    you don't know me, but after seeing you on the today show, there was no way i wasn't going to follow your story and send prayers to you, nathan, sadie, and your families.
    janet

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  13. Hi Elisa and Co, My post disappeared so here's another. So glad to see your spoiler. I think about you all and pray for you often.
    Best wishes
    Carol UK

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  14. Yes! An update, even of a short burst! Glad to hear that all is well. Hell, spoilers like that are the best kind. Looking forward to the rest!!!

    :) Chrisie

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  15. I'm happy to hear you're all fine!

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  16. I hate cliffhangers, I love spoilers ;-)

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  17. That sounds like a wonderful spoiler, so good to hear!...

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  18. Love the spoiler. Prayers and good thoughts continue from my family to yours.

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  19. Whew....I check every single day....no updates. I've been worried. I'll check back tomorrow.

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  20. Dear Bonds,

    We are all happy to hear you are doing well. Your willingness to share your story has touched many of us, and we have come to care deeply. However, I would like to emphasize how blessed I feel to read each entry, and I would never ask for more than you are willing to share.

    S

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  21. Spoiler alert was priceless... Glad to hear all are fine. I have been following you since your first time on the Today Show.. God Bless you and the family

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