Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Sadie's graduation


Sadie's graduation from pre-k was one of the most amazing, joyful and painful days since Elisa passed away. It was a beautiful sunny day. A day that is the marker of one of the first steps of achievement in Sadie's educational life- yes I know it isn't college graduation yet  you certainly wouldn't know that from how proud I felt watching her stand and sign songs and get her little diploma! But it was a day that Elisa had fought so hard to see for herself, in this world, one that she talked to me about not wanting to miss and fearing she might. Those were rare moments for her- when she was not 100% certain of her beating cancer, so I know they were the things she would miss most.
Walking into the school that morning I was overwhelmed with memories of our first day visiting the school and our excitement and joy at what a wonderful energy and environment Sadie would be getting to experience. I remembered the first day of school for Sadie there, and Elisa, Sadie and me taking pictures with Aunt Betsy in the beautiful grounds. Sadie and E playing in the little plastic play house together. Beautiful happy memories. I then had to excuse myself and went outside to weep uncontrollably for ten minutes because now those beautiful memories are tied forever with another memory. Luckily this hit me before the ceremony started and I didn't miss any of it.
Losing Elisa is not an experience I would ever have wanted of course, any loss of love is not one that anybody would choose. But to deny the experience by masking, repressing or ignoring the pain and hurt would be to also lose the growth and insight of that experience no matter how painful. Our most painful experinces help form our recognition, appreciation and fulfillment of our most pleasurable , beautiful and rewarding experinces. It is just like how you can sudden really feel what it is to have normal health after a bad cold or the flu- the relief and energy that you have the majority of our days that goes unappreciated. This is how I am trying to frame the crushing sorrow and pain I feel often. To keep this idea in my mind and allow myself to really feel the loss, the depression the fear of having lost the love of my life. I think that  to not experience this would be to also let the beauty of our life that we had shine a little less brightly. The two are linked forever- the having and the having had. I don't believe you can block one out without casting a shadow on the other.
Live, Love

Nathan

28 comments:

  1. So beautiful, Nathan...and I think it's extraordinary and brave that you can express yourself so freely. It's a wonderful gift, and never lose it. I can't imagine what you are experiencing right now, but please know that you are surrounded by love. Things will eventually get better...it's a healing process, and you have wonderful family, friends and a beautiful daughter to help you through it. Congratulations to Sadie on her graduation. I'm sure Elisa was there in spirit. xo.

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  2. Nathan, I'm so sorry for yours and Sadie's loss. How beautifully and generously you and Elisa shared simple yet profound lessons of love, life, hope, and family over the past few years.

    As a mother, I can tell you, without a doubt, that the lack of working body would never stop a mother from witnessing a milestone in her child's life. Maternal loves transcends the physical, and I know that you and Elisa love your little girl beyond words.

    I pray and trust that Sadie will grow up knowing how much she is loved, and will forever feel her mother gently guiding her. I continue to pray for your family's healing through this immensely difficult period.

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  3. This is such a lovely tribute to Elisa and is so beautifully written. I wont say you are brave because there is no choice in the situation that you and Sadie are in but it takes strength of character to face these milestones with the grace that you have. God bless you both.

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  4. So sorry for your loss and the fact that you will have a part of your wife with you through your daughter is lovely. How is your health?

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  5. I have composed comments over and over and they all fell short. All I can say is thank you. You and Elisa and Sadie are an inspiration.

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  6. Words to live by, that's for sure Nathan. You are an inspiration. Thankyou for sharing your thoughts.

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  7. But Nathan, Elisa didn't miss this life event. Even though she wasn't there in body, she was there in spirit. I have no doubt that she is watching you both from heaven and is incredibly proud of both you and Sadie.

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  8. Beautifully written.

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  9. By chance I wandered back. So happy I did.

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  10. The line that you wrote about how the pain that we experience helps form our recognition... is so beautiful and true. You are honoring your daughter and Elissa by continuing to stay in the moment and dealing with your grief as it comes. Your daughter is lucky to have such an insightful father and someone who will help guide her through the waves of life. Your immediate pain will be greater, but your future happiness will be informed by this pain and therefore intensified and cherished. Keep writing in the meantime Nathan-- it might help?

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  11. Heart is heavy for you all. Elisa wanted to be there IN PERSON...I won't even try to imagine how hard it is.

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  12. Dear Nathan... Thinking of you and Sadie...always...and praying for your peace in the days ahead. You are a wonderful father.... Elisa married a wonderful man when she married you!!! I'd be so proud to have you as the father of my granddaughter..... You're strength is compelling... You will be ok... Sadie will be ok.. You have the love of an angel watching over you! And so many friends, known and unknown, constantly thinking of you! Bless you, Nathan. Thank you, too, for the thoughtfulness of writing and letting us know how you and Sadie are doing. I'd think Elisa would be very happy that you're keeping us informed... Especially up to date re Sadie.... It was a blog about Sadie to begin with, after all, right? Can't wait to hear about her first day in kindergarten! Take care of yourself.

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  13. Thank you for posting. Please keep doing it if it feels right. Know that there are people like me across the country in Los Angeles who think about your family and wonder how you and Sadie are doing. I hadn't checked in for a few months, but I thought of you all today, because I was at Disneyland today with my family and recalled your trip with Elisa there towards the end. I had not known she passed away, but, sadly, I am not surprised, as it seemed to be getting pretty unbearable for her to continue to live. Fucking Cancer. I am so sorry. I am happy that you are doing well and that Sadie is processing with the enviable resilience of kids. I hope that you can feel held in some way by an invisible community, because you - and Sadie- and Elisa- are held by so many in our hearts. Peace.

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  14. Thank you for the update. I hope these also help you in your process of carrying on after Elisa's death. Each of us have to deal with loss and live on and you have beautiful Sadie to help you through it. Congratulations to her on this first big step. Each one is a big one, and to be enjoyed and treasured. Have been following you and your family's experience from France and wishing you peace, love and life as you move through life and this painful loss.

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  15. You are a beautiful writer.

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  16. Congrats to Sadie on her first milestone. God bless you Nathan and give you peace and strength.
    Your family is an inspiration. We will all face difficult times.Hope we can remember your and Elisa's dignity in your journey.

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  17. Nathan, you simply amaze me - congrats to Sadie on her graduation. Have you considered putting this journey with Elisa and Sadie into a book or short story - you certainly have the writing skills to do so. God Bless you and keep you and Sadie in his ever-loving arms.

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  18. Hi there, I'm Lindsey! I have a question and would love to talk more, please email me when you have a chance, thanks!! lindseyDOTcaldwellATrecallcenterDOTcom

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  19. I have to agree with all the above comments, keep writing. I've been fighting Esophogeal cancer for the past year and writing has greatly helped - sort of a vent I guess and a history of events. Ya can probably tell that I compose similar to yourself. All the best to you,Sadie and your families.

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  20. Thinking about you and Sadie. Hope the new year starts well for her.

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  21. Please keep writing.

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  22. Praying for you and Sadie. I hope she has a wonderful Christmas and that GoGosends angels to watch over you both! God bless you both!

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  23. Sorry ad spelling on phone. GOD not GoGo --ugh my bad....

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  24. I thought of Elisa and your family today. I found myself on your blog and saw that it's been exactly one year since you last posted, at least here anyway :-) I just wanted you to know that the Bond family is loved and thought of on a daily basis, even by strangers. Love and light to you all!

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  25. Nathan, Thanks so much for sharing. Your words are helping me to process the grief, deep sorrow, anguish and anger of my own loss. The loss of the Love of my lifetime(s). I am still working through the bitterness and resentment, which I own .....but also my guilt.....because I know that ........ I need to move on, to love again and it hurts. I am kind of torn between my guilt, as I promised a very long time ago that I would always be loyal no matter what and that seems to be at odds with the thought that, I need to Love myself more than I love anyone else, and I do need to Love again....soon.. here in the physical realm. It is painful for me to hang on and it is equally painful to let go ( like that scene from Titanic where Rose has to let go of Jack's hand to survive) but I am ready, I deserve it, but am so dissapointed? With myself at the same time. I was perusing the internet today and found this blog and I am so glad that I did. The wonderfully wacky way this Unified Field works. I will keep you, Sadie, Elisa. and your families & loved ones in my highest thoughts. Thank You, Liz

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