Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Sadie's graduation from pre-k was one of the most amazing, joyful and painful days since Elisa passed away. It was a beautiful sunny day. A day that is the marker of one of the first steps of achievement in Sadie's educational life- yes I know it isn't college graduation yet you certainly wouldn't know that from how proud I felt watching her stand and sign songs and get her little diploma! But it was a day that Elisa had fought so hard to see for herself, in this world, one that she talked to me about not wanting to miss and fearing she might. Those were rare moments for her- when she was not 100% certain of her beating cancer, so I know they were the things she would miss most.
Walking into the school that morning I was overwhelmed with memories of our first day visiting the school and our excitement and joy at what a wonderful energy and environment Sadie would be getting to experience. I remembered the first day of school for Sadie there, and Elisa, Sadie and me taking pictures with Aunt Betsy in the beautiful grounds. Sadie and E playing in the little plastic play house together. Beautiful happy memories. I then had to excuse myself and went outside to weep uncontrollably for ten minutes because now those beautiful memories are tied forever with another memory. Luckily this hit me before the ceremony started and I didn't miss any of it.
Losing Elisa is not an experience I would ever have wanted of course, any loss of love is not one that anybody would choose. But to deny the experience by masking, repressing or ignoring the pain and hurt would be to also lose the growth and insight of that experience no matter how painful. Our most painful experinces help form our recognition, appreciation and fulfillment of our most pleasurable , beautiful and rewarding experinces. It is just like how you can sudden really feel what it is to have normal health after a bad cold or the flu- the relief and energy that you have the majority of our days that goes unappreciated. This is how I am trying to frame the crushing sorrow and pain I feel often. To keep this idea in my mind and allow myself to really feel the loss, the depression the fear of having lost the love of my life. I think that to not experience this would be to also let the beauty of our life that we had shine a little less brightly. The two are linked forever- the having and the having had. I don't believe you can block one out without casting a shadow on the other.